What damages children most & #MeToo

Split Loyalty: what damages children most & # metoo


Loyalty is a very important aspect of relationships as it helps align our priorities. By nature, familial relationships come first and at later age it is indispensable to build healthy and lasting relations .  But when there is competition for loyalty in co-parenthip after a divorce, the child can experience what is referred to as: ‘split loyalty’ due to parental alienation.

In Holland, mothers are the majority to sabotage the relation between fathers and child(ren) after divorce. This damaging behavior is hardly corrected in Dutch court and therefor a predictable way for vindictive mothers to frustrate fathers to keep contact with their child(ren).

Parents should honor the children’s right to love them both and communicate about (and with) the other parent in a respectful way.  If they don’t, it becomes foggy for the child. Rancorous parents do not realize the damage they bring into the lives of their children and the rejected parent. Manipulating, frustrating or ignoring parental agreements, false promises to the child, all are acts out of a great lack of conscience and empathy.  The child, already torn apart by a divorce is receiving mixed messages and desperately seeks to survive in the turbulent mind of the home-living parent. This is where the child literally asks for ‘rest’ and rejects the other parent with altering lifetime consequences for everyone involved.

Lifetime consequences

The rejected parent has to deal with false allegations, anger and desperate feelings of frustration when there is no plausible reason for the separation. However, the personal contribution of the child to the blasphemy of the excluded parent, based on false allegations, is often reason to defend the manifested “well-being” of the child.

“Screaming child abuse is very effective to wreak vengeance on a hated spouse” says Richard Gardner, American clinical professor of psychiatry known for parental alienation syndrome (PAS). At least 20% of the children in Holland do not have contact with one of the parents, usually the father*. Desperately seeking to survive in a turbulent parental fight, the child asks literally for ‘rest’. Causing split loyalty is not sanctioned in Holland and in most cases not even subject of investigation: fathers traditionally loose their authority “to put an end to parental fight”.

Most suicides have a history of split loyalty.

The personal contribution of the child to the blasphemy of the excluded parent is often reason in Holland to defend the child’s opinion, based on false allegations. Ignoring the origins of split loyalty has serious consequences for life for both the child and rejected parent. Not only the child, also the rejected parent desperately fighting to keep the contact with his child; both risk heavy psychological problems resulting in abuse (alcohol, drinking) or even suicide (bron: vader-kenniscentrum/omroep brabant)

In cultures where women have traditionally no rights, disruption can take very serious forms. An example is a high educated Arab woman who suffered domestic violence from her father as a child. After breaking ties with her parents she married in Holland and started a business to enhance and support “Feminine Awareness”.  After divorcing the father she falsely accused him of abuse and excluded him from parenthood. Claiming he ‘wasn’t good enough to raise a child’, resulting in long legal battle and split loyalty for the child.

Women express their frustration often in more subtile ways compared to men and most likely in situations when it comes to family matters.  Negative influence and refined manipulating the child is also child abuse. Divorce between parents has huge impact on the child’s development. Split loyalty leads to even worse psychological problems at later age.

The relation between violence and child abuse

Schermafbeelding 2017-11-12 om 14.54.31

Omar Mir Seddique (Mateen)  killed 49 people and wounded 58 in a Florida gay nightclub

Schermafbeelding 2017-11-12 om 14.52.11

Devin Kelley massacred at least 26 in Sutherland Springs Baptist Church

More than 50% of men and women who had been subject of violence made of their loved ones victim. According to the American Society of Everytown for Gun Safety, who advices more control over access to weapons, 54% of the massacres committed between 2009 and 2016 with family members involved were men who had experienced domestic violence.

Mateen as a child was moved to a separate class to avoid “conflicts with other students”. He suffered from poor scholarly performance due to behavioral problems.  The latest incident in Texas where 26 people were shot in a church on November 5th was a result of extreme frustration. Devin Kelley served in the US Air Force when he was accused of molesting his wife, wrecking her with a gun and beating up their son to the point of breaking his skull. He suffered from domestic violence as a child.

According to Sarah Tofte, researcher at Everytown for Gun Safety, domestic violence can be considered as a forerunner for worse. “We do not know exactly what initiates violence outside the parental home, we only know it’s happening all the time.” Isn’t it time to change law instead of denying pathological lies and destruction of lives?

© Gérard Stokkink

Used Topics: Convention on the Rights of the Child (Unicef) Time Magazine, The Mindful Divorcing Parent

Over Gérard Stokkink

Gerard Stokkink, lecturer body language & non verbal communication
Dit bericht werd geplaatst in publicaties. Bookmark de permalink .

Een reactie op What damages children most & #MeToo

  1. Aad zegt:

    Geer, zo herkenbaar, helaas. Ze zijn al 30 en 33 jaar maar toch. Het ondergaan en accepteren is voor mij de grootste opgave ooit.


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